August 5th, 2020

This post wasn't supposed to be about my graduation, although it might seem more fitting for it to be so. After all, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that one day I would attend my graduation ceremony from my living room, barefoot, drinking tea the entire time. I very much hope that this year won't get any stranger than this, though I shouldn't be surprised if it does. But since you don't get to graduate through a video conference every day, I thought I'd write about it a little. 

So we all knew that the ceremony would be held on August 5th, but no one knew what time and how it was going to look. I was pretty anxious because my friend, Kaka, was kind enough to offer me help with my makeup, and yet I couldn't even tell her what time she should come. We finally got a better look at things just 2 days before the event, and (almost) everyone was furious. It was decided that they weren't going to call any names—except perhaps the valedictorian—and simply go with speeches from the faculties, some singing, and more speeches. I wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of virtual graduation in the first place, so I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. I think this meme pretty much sums it up.

Roughly less than 12 hours before the ceremony, they told us they were going to call our names after all. All right, things seemed to be looking up. I had to do my own makeup since the event started so early, but Kaka ended up doing my makeup for the photo shoot afterward. It was supposed to start at 8 but I was still locked out of the conference room until someone finally let me in around 8:15. We all had to hear the hosts talk to each other until about 9 when the actual ceremony was supposed to start. To our surprise, the screen suddenly went dark. (I assume) everyone started fidgeting in their seats waiting for something to happen, until the live stream finally came back on, many minutes later.

Even with all the technical issues that came up during the ceremony, I'm glad that I was there. In fact, I felt quite emotional. It was an unprecedented time for everyone, and I bet no one signed up to receive their diploma online after 4-5 (or more) years of sleepless nights and countless deadlines through their university years. I guess it came as some sort of a friendly reminder that things don't always go according to our initial plans, and that's okay. At the end of the day, we still get to decide what we plan to do about it, and perhaps even how we feel about it. I most definitely won't miss the chance to tell my children and grandchildren that I was in quarantine for months, had a virtual thesis defense and graduation, and still had some of the best times in my life. I was lucky enough to go to uni in the first place, not to mention lucky enough to still be alive and well today, so I hope I could express my gratitude by not taking any of these moments for granted while I still could. And I really hope that you, my readers, would too.

Here's a picture that my friends and I took when we went to grab our graduation gowns and accessories. 

 

I hope you don't mind Budi. He was just holding his thumbs up.

Sorry for not having our masks on but we put them back on as soon as we were done taking pictures. There was barely anyone there too. But can I just say that it was the most fun I've had in ages? We were jumping up and down, throwing our graduation caps in the air like it was 2009. I'm really glad that I've had a "quiet graduation" with some of my friends. Alhamdulillah.

Next up, there's something that I'd like to write about that might come off as vain, really, but to be honest, it's actually the reason why I'm writing this post in the first place.

I've always felt so self-conscious about how I look, but I've never liked the way I look better than I did on my graduation day. Or maybe I should just say that my makeup that day was spot on all thanks to Kaka. For my whole life, I was led to believe that my skin tone was "gross", that it was supposed to be something temporary that I would have to eventually get rid of. People would actually mean "You look whiter" as a compliment, and I would just laugh it off. I disliked it when my face looked so much lighter than my hands after I had makeup on. And when I think about it, the fact that I used to think "I should get rid of my tan" instead of "I should find a darker shade for my foundation" broke my heart the most. This was my very first time putting on a foundation that actually matches my skin tone and I remember thinking, "Wait, I could actually look like myself?"

Needless to say, this experience was very eye-opening. I finally saw makeup as what it's supposed to be, something that enhances the way I look, not change it. There are many Southeast Asian girls that look like me, with the same dark hair, dark eyes, and dark complexion. Why should we ever let being "white" as an achievement if there are literally millions of us who were born to rock those highlighters?! If there's such thing as an achievement, it's got to be the highest amount of love and appreciation we have for ourselves. The thought made me even prouder of my skin complexion than I've ever been. I spent too many years taking it for granted. So I would have to agree with my friends who said that I looked great on my graduation day. I can now proudly say yes, yes I did😉

All right that's about how much self-love content you could get out of me. Now I just need to say something quick to my fellow class of 2020. CONGRATULATIONS!!! You've certainly outdone yourselves and I am sooo proud of each one of you. This might not be the graduation that we had all in mind, which I'm pretty sure your parents or your guardians might be upset about too, and I'm sorry. We're allowed to be disappointed and feel sad about it. But I want us all to remember how hard we've worked for the past few years, and don't let our sadness get in the way of celebrating what truly matters. Ourselves. Our diploma wouldn't mean anything without us. It's a strange year and I think we're all allowed to take a break and use this moment to do a lot of self-reflection. Get in touch with our inner self, rearrange our priorities if needed, and find what truly makes us happy at the end of the day. We may think that our happiness shouldn't come first but always keep in mind that it matters. It always has, and it always will.