The Scribbles

I took this picture while I was lying down on my rooftop earlier today. Why are there literal iron bars on my rooftop, you ask? Indonesians are all about protecting their properties. Tall fences around the house, spikes and actual glass shards on their walls to prevent people from climbing in, you name it. I wish I was kidding... Sometimes I think it's a little excessive, but then I remember sometime when I was in primary school, my household woke up to a mud-covered foot stamp on our wall that divided our backyard and an empty clearing. And then we heard that our next-door neighbor's car radio got stolen - yes, you got that right - possibly by the robber who climbed through our wall.  I know it all sounds made up, and the next-door neighbor's car radio sounds like a pretty specific item to steal. We didn't have a car back then so I guess that made us less of a target, but I guess they could've broken into our house and stolen our TV or something. But then I remembered that we had window grates...

Anyway, that wasn't the point of the picture. I was just looking up at the sky earlier today and I felt like I was in 2013 or something. It's interesting that with everything that's changing around us, like the rivers and the trees, it's the sky that never seems to change. And you get that it's not that I'm not acknowledging our disappearing ozone layers, right? Because besides that, the sky looks exactly the same to me as it was 10, 20 years ago. You could look at the sky today and be transported to a warm, sunny day in 2006. Your surroundings changed, the weather's changed a bit (thanks, climate change), you changed, but the sky still stared down on you the way it did 16 years ago. 

I felt something else in me as I looked up at the sky. I'm always surrounded by the hustles of the city, and then the four walls of my home especially during the pandemic. And what's ironic is that when I want to look at the one nature that's easily accessible from my home (the sky) the lame iron bars won't even let me do it properly. But I tried to imagine myself when I was 7 or 8, laying on the grass in my old garden, looking up at the (undisrupted) sky. What was I thinking then? Was I thinking about school? Friends? Or did my mind immediately empty the way it did when I stared at the sky earlier today? Is it possible that even after everything I've been through in life, that one thing about me didn't change after all? 

Either way, I feel like I owe a promise to myself to go out of this concrete jungle and feel the freshly mown grass beneath my feet again someday. That day just can't come soon enough...

I'm going to be upfront with you and tell you that I don't know either. I'm still trying to figure things out myself and you probably won't get any closure from reading this. So if you're wondering whether you should manifest the life you want, or to what extent should you manifest it, then that makes the two of us. But hey, two heads are better than one.

Someone told me that in order for me to figure out what my next steps are, I must first imagine the kind of life I wanted and then work my way down instead of up. And honestly, it makes sense. I've always imagined what I wanted to do in life, like what kind of job I wanted to do, what my career would look like in 10 years, etc., but never the kind of lifestyle I wish to live with what I could afford from what I do for a living. Would I want a big house? A small house? How many cars would I want? Would I wish to go on vacation twice a year, or would it be enough just to dine out every weekend? And once you see those pictures clear in your head, it's supposed to make planning ahead easier, if not at least less stressful.

If you ask me, I have a pretty clear vision of the kind of life I want to live. Not going to spoil you with all the details, but it involves a lot of family time, like baking with the kids, and a very cozy living room. Unfortunately, though, some of the details are rather far-fetched. I feel like all I can do right now is just to believe that despite everything, it will all eventually fall into place, exactly where I want them to be.

I realized that imagining and manifesting the life of my dream are two different things, and the latter may sound silly or maybe even destructive to an extent, but through all the hardships that I have to endure, it keeps me going, every single day. And I feel like as long as I get to wake up every morning with a sense of hope, even just a little bit, it's really all that matters.

First of all, I am DEVASTATED that the competition is over. For the past month, I've been working with hours and hours of Chopin's music from the competition playing in the background. I followed the competition since the preliminary round and I remember being so bummed that I had to wait for October. But October came by so fast I didn't even feel like I waited that long tbh.  

DISCLAIMER: I know that the title says Chopin Competition 2021 like it's a legit post or something so I had to add the novice thing. If you expect a critical assessment of the competitors' performances here I gotta say I'm not smart enough for that so you probably won't find it here. But if you just want to geek over the beautiful musical moments, the awkward Chopin Talks, and all the fun parts, you've (probably) come to the right place.

Indonesia and Poland have a 5 hour time difference (with the daylight saving) so I could almost never watch the evening sessions live. I could sometimes catch a few performances but would always have to see the rest on the following day. Not that I was complaining since the music was such great company on tedious workdays. I think among the other competitors, Avery Gagliano stood out the most during the first round for me. What amazing control she has! She has that traditional Chopin sound on her that instantly became everyone's favorites. Another disclaimer I'm not a pro and this is just my amateur opinion, but I felt like she was kind of holding back on the second round? It was so unfortunate she didn't pass to the third round and I really hope she comes back in 2025. Even if she doesn't, she has a sparkling future ahead of her! That's for certain!

I also ADORE Yasuko Furumi! Her first and second rounds just straight up left me breathless. I mean, that Nocturne!!!

I was just going to write this on an Instagram post for close friends, but then I thought, no way! This calls for a blog update!

My mom and I are total homebodies. (I guess more specifically my mom is a homebody and at some point it started rubbing off on me idk.) Even before covid, we spent a lot of our time off at home and would prefer inviting people over than going out to meet them. Anyway, even as homebodies we still love meeting close friends and families, even if it's just once a month. But covid doesn't give a hoot if you take off your mask in front of people you meet once a month, heck even once a year. It's a freaking virus that now apparently floats around in the air in freaking aerosol particles. Your close friends and families don't get a pass on this. If you're vaccinated, good for you and stay safe. But if you're not and you happen to live in a certain Southeast Asian country where the healthcare system is slowly collapsing from the endless daily surge of new covid cases caused by an incompetent government and the lack of law-abiding citizens, maybe try rescheduling that lunch date.

Anyway, we think we might have had close contact with someone with covid, and both my mom and I just felt so sick afterward. We took the antigen test and my mom's results came out positive while mine was negative. We then took the PCR test just to be sure, with the same results as our antigen tests. So off we went on our 10-day quarantine journey...

I decided to stay home with my mom because at first I was pretty sure I had it too. Maybe, in some ways unexplainable to me (don't ask me, I stopped learning science in 11th grade), I just haven't developed the symptoms yet. Maybe I was a late bloomer (?) Anyway, I felt feverish for like a week, even got my blood checked at the lab. Everything came out healthy so I was left pondering what the hell was all that fever about. But then I started feeling better when my mom started losing her smell and taste. She'd have a fever every now and then while my normal body temperature was more stable than my paycheck. That was when I truly realized that I really was a confirmed negative, and that what we were doing was super risky.

My mom's symptoms were considerably mild but I still can't imagine what she had to go through every day, and I'm pretty sure it was just as bad as everyone says it is. Our neighborhood happens to be extremely supportive to families in quarantine, and we're just so lucky and privileged to be delivered warm meals three times a day for ten freaking days. My mom is the cook in our family. (In my defense I can cook too but... it's a long story. The point is, it's so much better for our welfare and happiness if she cooks for the both of us). So if we hadn't had the help we had from our neighbors, she'd be freaking out about not being able to cook for me, and wouldn't get her much-needed rest. But even with our meals secured, life got even more expensive. You'd need all sorts of vitamins, drugs, extra hygiene supplies to disinfect your home with, and every other thing had to be delivered to your door (and costed extra). Stressful times...

It's been 10 days and we got another test today... with both negative results! I can't even begin to explain how happy and relieved we are. It might take a while for mom to regain her sense of smell and taste, but what's most important now is that she's clear from the virus and that she can now start her journey to full recovery!

Covid is everyone's battle. Be it if you're the patient with mild or severe symptoms, the caretaker of such patient, or anyone whose life is affected by this pandemic. And boy is it a hard one. I can't speak for everyone because obviously all our stories are different. All I can say is... I know so many stories of people losing a loved one, a business, a life to covid. And... I hear you. I might never understand what you're going through, but I hear you and I'm in this together with you. Wherever you are, I pray that things will get better for you. And I'm sure it will, no matter how hard it is to believe right now. 

So, my only wish is if you get to schedule a covid vax, DO IT RIGHT NOW. GET VACCINATED!!!!

"Oh it's fine, I'll do it later."

"Please." The girl reached for the plates. "It's the least I could do after that wonderful meal."

The boy's mother smiled. "You're such a sweetheart. Isn't she, darling?"

The boy's father gave an approving nod. "Absolutely," he replied.

"I'll help out." The boy started clearing the table along with the girl. She shot him a grateful look, to which he replied with a tender smile.

They headed to the kitchen with the dirty dishes. He started scraping off the leftovers from the plates while she filled the sink with hot water. He watched as she poured dish soap into the running water. "What?" The girl asked, glancing sideways.

The boy shook his head. "Nothing." She swore he almost caught him laughing. There was a certain twinkle in his eyes she couldn't quite read.

"I do the dishes all the time, okay? I'm not trying to win your mom over or something." She said the last part quietly, almost as if she was mumbling to herself. 

"Of course." He tried his best to keep a straight face but failed miserably.

Now she was really annoyed, but her cheeks turned slightly red. "Whatever. Can you pass me that glass?" He did, and she started working on cleaning the glass carefully in her hands. "I had a really great time tonight. I'll have to admit, I was kind of nervous. I've met your parents plenty of times before. But being in your house, it feels...different."

"Hey, I had a great time too. And I'm glad that you're here today." He smiled reassuringly. "They couldn't love you more. They laugh at your jokes more than they do at mine, it's actually unfair."

"Don't pin this on them. I never really got your weird jokes either," she said. He put some of his fingers under the running water and sprinkled some water at her. They both laughed. "For what it's worth, I'm really, I mean really happy to be here today. It all feels so normal. Like we're..." She wasn't quite sure what to finish her sentence with.

"Family?" He suggested after a moment of silence. 

She nodded, slowly at first, and then more confidently. "Yeah, family," she repeated, feeling the unfamiliar word rolled on her tongue. It felt heavy, but it also felt nice now that she was able to say it.

The boy was a bit unsure of what to do. He thought of pulling her into a hug, but hesitated. So instead he picked up the dishes she'd cleaned and started drying them with a towel. "Look, we're doing a family thing now. You're doing the dishes and I'm drying them off!" The girl laughed. The edge of her eyes creased every time she did, and her nose would scrunch up a little bit. The boy thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world. "After all, we only children gotta stick together, right?"

She tilted her head as if considering what he just said, earning an eye-roll and impatient 'come on' from him. She laughed then replied, "Yeah, I guess we do."

They were taking their time, the girl doing the dishes and the boy drying them and putting them back in the cabinets. They talked about the cold temperature, the girl's professor Dr. Milford who kept interrupting students who were answering questions she'd asked herself, the boy's professor Dr. Chilton who threatened to fail the whole class if he saw another student falling asleep during his lecture, the spectacular brioche they got from the bakery last week, and the even more spectacular french toast they made from the said brioche.

"Next time we gotta try their focaccia. I heard they went great with Ben's cheddar broccoli potato soup," the girl added, and the boy reacted with a dreamy sigh.

"Who wants coffee--oh." The boy's mother interrupted herself. "Oh, sweetie, you shouldn't have troubled yourself, you could've just thrown them into the dishwasher." 

"I'm sorry?" The girl wasn't sure if she caught that right. 

The boy's mother pulled out the dishwasher on her side. "Yeah, the dishwasher right here. Wait, you didn't tell her?" She glared at her son. 

The girl turned toward the boy with a look of amusement on her face, "Yeah, you didn't tell me?" She repeated, hands crossed in front of her chest. The boy seemed to be at loss for words, darting his eyes back and forth from the girl to his mother.

The boy's mother went over to the sink. "Oh, and you're done. Thank you, sweetheart. Let's just have that coffee, shall we?"

"I'm on it," the boy said, already rummaging through the cabinet for the coffee. 

"All right then. Oh, sweetie." She looked at the girl again. "I'm so sorry."

"No, no it's fine. Please don't worry about it." The girl gave a sweet, genuine smile.

The boy's mother gave her arm an affectionate squeeze and headed toward the living room. 

The girl then turned toward the boy again and gave a light punch on his arm. "What the hell?!" Her eyes were wide, an amused look still resting on her face.

He chuckled. "When you filled the sink with water I was about to ask you what you were doing. When I realized I was like, screw it.  It was nice to spend some time alone with you anyway."

The amused look on the girl's face broke into the biggest, brightest grin, and she laughed. "Oh my God. Oh Goodness."

"What?" He looked a little sheepish now.

"Nothing." She wiped a tear on her right eye. "Oh man, it's just, my mom never let me use the dishwasher." And she laughed again.

The boy laughed along with her. "She would be so proud of you."

She smiled back. "I'd like to think so."

"Well come on, let's make that coffee." He handed her four sets of coffee cups and saucers. "They'd think we'd cleaned the whole house by now."

The girl let out another laugh. And for the first time in years, she felt at home.

Pieces that I'm listening to when I'm writing this post:
You know what there's actually a lot lol cause I was listening to a Spotify radio. I'll just put the link here:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1E8NcnLDO0aNn7?si=e943a70911524282 

I've never really set any new year's resolutions, simply because I already knew that I wouldn't be able to follow through with it... I'm not being pessimistic, I promise. I like to plan things out for myself, like planning the day ahead, preparing speeches, etc. But when it comes to life-changing-decisions-that-might-permanently-affect-my-entire-course-of-life, I guess I like to go with the flow. Did I plan to major in Japanese? Yes. Did I plan to study abroad for one year? Yes. Did I plan to graduate in May 2020? Yes, and I did. Wait, this isn't right... 
All right, now I got it! Did I plan to do what I'm doing right now for a living? Absolutely not! And it's about the most important thing in my life, at least right now. I mean, I like what I do, but this definitely isn't the life I imagined for myself a couple of years ago. Aaand of course I babble too much about the things I wasn't even going to talk about! Back to life-changing-decisions-that-might-permanently-affect-my-entire-course-of-life...

There are a few new life-changing habits that I started this year (that I actually stick to):
1. Walking/running every morning for about an hour
2. Doing the Chloe Ting workout (I know that it sounds like a quarantine thing, but if you really think about it, quarantine never really ends, does it? Even if you travel around, you still need to go through quarantine)
3. Limiting my sugar intake (Diabetes who? The people who have known me for long will definitely applaud this)
4. Actually trying to maintain a Duolingo streak (It has not been a very long streak but this is the longest ever I'm not kidding)

I'm going to go through them one by one, not that anyone cares. Anyway!

What's so life-changing about a morning walk/run? I actually did morning walks pretty often during quarantine (it was never really a quarantine in Indonesia but you get the point), but I stopped ever since I moved to a busier neighborhood in the city. I used to live in this suburb-like neighborhood (still in the city, but they just made it feel like some sort of an oasis), so suddenly seeing this whole bunch of cars passing right outside my neighborhood area wasn't a very pleasant experience. And I guess I got homesick and started projecting it to sleeping in so I didn't have to think of the morning walks I'd miss. Technically, it wasn't sleeping in since I always wake up really early in the morning to pray Subh, but I always went straight back to bed. And it sucked because the sky in the morning always looks amazing, and the air! Gosh, the air. It's about the freshest air you could get if you lived in the city. I also love going to the farmer's market really early in the morning with my mom, but if I wake up too late she always leaves without me.
About half a year later, something happened. I woke up feeling a weird surge of energy in the morning, enough to make me think, hey I should go for a run, and actually did it. Pretty sure it was some sort of a miracle, and throw in some serious cabin fever into that, boom! One very healthy hour of getaway from home. But what's exciting about it is that I've actually been doing it for a while now, and I wish I could say that I didn't feel great but I did. And I guess for me it's not just some other newly developed habit, it's also about waking up one morning at some of the darkest and most challenging times in my life and thinking, it'll get better than this and it'll start today. Wow, that suddenly got deep, but here are some of the pictures I took from my morning walks.

Right. The Chloe Ting workout. I did it during quarantine for... three days. It was nice but I didn't think I'd actually get abs so I stopped. And the fact that I started doing it again along with the morning walk in March this year, made me feel like I came full circle. But I did it almost every day after my morning walk and MAN am I seeing results. I wish I could get into more details but I wear the hijab now so it doesn't seem very appropriate, but I'm telling you, I really am seeing results and I couldn't be more excited about it!

I guess the walking and working out rub off on my eating habits. I'm aware that my friends were all worried that I might get diabetes someday with the amount of sugar I took every day, but worry no more, dearest friends. Few weeks into the healthy routine, the sugar in my tea suddenly tasted too sweet to the point I couldn't even finish it. And I went, holy crap am I gonna start eating healthy too now?! But I really I did. I switched from tea bags to tea leaves and it's an absolute game-changer. I significantly need less sugar in my tea and actually enjoy the natural sweetness in fruits, which I never really did before. I'd say that this is my proudest change yet by far.

As for Duolingo, I started German and Polish last year, and even though I enjoyed them, I struggled a lot with pronunciation. I know that it shouldn't be an excuse, considering my Belgian friend praised my Dutch pronunciation after a few failed attempts of "Mijn naam is Nadya", but yeah I guess I was looking for excuses to stop lol. Sometime last year I started watching Money Heist (naturally) and thought damn, I could actually try this. So I did and I'm proud to say that I can now say stuff like "Quiero reservar una mesa para dos personas" LOL how cool is that?!
Spanish pronunciation is significantly easier for me to learn, and I feel like the language has a somewhat similar structure to Indonesian grammar, like the use of adjectives after nouns (un vestido caro in Spanish and sebuah gaun mahal in Indonesian). But the "de" in tienda de ropa feels awfully similar to the Japanese particle の! I guess we'll just have to see how far I'll go with my Spanish!

All right that's pretty much what my early 2021 looks like and I'm excited for whatever's coming this year, especially Ramadan that'll start in... One day?!?! Wow, yeah, definitely need a separate post for that. I'll see you then!　

As usual, I'll start with the piece I'm listening to when I'm writing this post.
https://open.spotify.com/album/5T0CtyFnwvkqwtfiIDAHnl?si=Xoch1SKFT0i2cfg046hajQ
It's Samuel Coleridge-Taylor's 24 Negro Melodies, Opus 59! (Yes I'm currently listening to the whole album)
It bugs me that I never really knew any black classical musicians except the Kanneh-Masons family, or any black classical composers for that matter. I tried Google but it always referred me to jazz musicians. I love jazz, but Google, that was just not what I was looking for. 
Anyway, I was following Classic FM's 2021 Hall of Fame and read their article about one of Coleridge-Taylor's compositions, Deep River, making its first appearance ever in the countdown. I've never heard of the composer's name in my life so you bet I was excited to delve into his works.
I've never really studied music so I'm not at all familiar with musical terms, but you know how Rachmaninoff just sounds so Russian, and Satie so French? I recently watched Inside the Score's video on YouTube called What Makes Debussy Sound French? and learned how Debussy was heavily influenced by Satie, who ignored the Germanic Rulebook of the perfect cadence and successfully turned dissonant chords into consonant chords, leading to an extraordinary breakthrough in French music. Now how is this related to Coleridge-Taylor's music? The article said, "A progressive writer of his time, Coleridge-Taylor’s compositions wove together western classical instrumentation with traditional African sounds...", which makes me wonder, what are traditional African sounds? What makes African melodies sound African? And how would they look on the music sheet? I'm so excited to hear more of his compositions and learn more about them!

Now onto the recap! There were three things I started in late 2020 that I never thought I'd do in my life.
1. Learned how to make homemade candles
2. Learned the guitar!!!
3. Made a podcast!!!!!!!!

Let me just tell you that I LOVE making my own candle. I made a vanilla and lavender scented candle for mother's day and I might have liked it a bit too much, even more than my mom did lol. I initially wrote that making my own candle wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be but who I was kidding?? It was the exact opposite! It does look easy but there are so many rules in candle-making. The essential oil should be 6-10% of the weight of the wax, you shouldn't put the essential oil when the wax is too hot, you need to use the right size and amount of wick to prevent tunneling, and you even need the perfect timing to decorate your candle with the dried flowers, or else it'll either submerge too deep into the candle or won't stick to the candle at all! Regardless of the tons of rules, candle-making feels so therapeutic, and isn't lighting a scented candle in the first place, store-bought or DIY, so satisfying?

Also, I learned how to play the guitar?! Never in my wildest dream did I imagine I would be holding a guitar and playing it, let alone singing along to it! But I did and it's all thanks to Kak Tia for lending me her guitar for... I'd say nearly four months now. 
....I really need to give it back, don't I?
So I've been learning for a few months now, but I can only do simple chords and only learned a little bit of fingerpicking. I still struggle so much to cover all strings in a fret with my finger. Every time I try to do it, I just end up making dead notes. Anyone got any tips?
Anyway, maybe I'll get there someday, but for now, I feel content just by being able to play and sing my favorite songs. I miss my piano terribly, but I don't know when I'll be able to afford another one and I was desperate to produce music, so the guitar will have to do for now. 

Le guitar

I also made a podcast! Here's what it looks like:

I used to love reading as a child. Well, I still do. Sort of. To be completely honest, I've been struggling to finish my books for the past few years. I used to read for hours and hours a day, but now I can't even sit still for over five minutes! I guess as an attempt to get back to reading, I dug up some of my favorite classic children stories and discovered new ones to read aloud on my podcast, the White Crib Club.
And can I just say, that the classics sound so horrifying when read in the present time?! So many killings and deceit and other traits and activities I probably wouldn't want kids nowadays to hear! I guess it's probably why I started looking for more modern works or even retold versions of the classics that promote... less violence, and diversity, and whatever is more fitting to the current trend. 
Committing to frequent uploads is also much harder than I thought it would be. Coming up with a good prologue is hard enough, and I also have to read aloud a 5-minute long story in just one take! I also need to control my mouth so that I don't smack my lips too often cause it sounds terrible in the audio and I do it a lot!!! I can probably edit the audio with some app, but I guess that means I might as well just buy a proper mic and the app... Yeah, perhaps later. Anyway, here's the link if you're interested to hear the stories I've read so far!

White Crib Club - Bedtime Stories for Children

All right, that's pretty much what my late 2020 looked like. So many things happened in early 2021 so I might write about it in my next post!

Some days, I thought to myself
What would become of the sky
If the sun had set an hour early
And the moon unwary
What would become of the sea
If the waters rose this morning
Two inches instead of three
What would become of the sand
If each grain had grown wings
Then tried to fly away
And as the salty air filled my hollow chest 
I stopped and think to myself 
What would become of me
If I was not myself
If I was not me